the greenwood, the briar and the rose

3:05pm:

Your Element Is Fire

Your passion and emotion are as obvious as the brightest flame. You make sparks fly, and your passion always has the potential to burst out. You are exciting and creative - and completely unpredictable. You sometimes exercise control, and sometimes you let yourself go. Friends describe you as sensitive, spirited, and compulsive. Bright and blazing with intensity, you seem mysterious and moody to many.

i really don't know if i agree with this, i've never thought of myself as a fire person. but then it's just a quiz!

2:55pm: yesterday my friend brought me a copy of Shojo Beat! it was pretty cool. i really liked Nana a lot... i was pretty surprised by some of the things that happened in the story, and it's just starting!

i've been thinking about the blue-haired boy too much... i've really got to stop. but there's no one else around to think about right now, and he's so far out of reach it's easier to dream about him than meet new people.

i need to think more about user icons and stuff, the one of Seika is really nice and i like it but i'm not so icy blue cold.

3:48pm: so today I'm in a good mood!

i have *2* francesca lia block books from the library to read... a book of short stories and a novel.

and the wind is blowing and the sun is out and the cats are feeling friendly and playful.

i don't really like my livejournal layout but i'm not sure what i would like more. i like the idea of watermelon layout... i love the colour of a watermelon, that bright snap of pink and all the green around, but it was too soft and fadeaway when i used it for the layout here. maybe i'll do my own watermelon with hothot pink and all greens. right now i have a pretty boring blue & black but at least it's probably easy to read.

i like colours and texture and beautiful things but am not very good at making them in my mind and making them with my hands is hard when in my mind they fall apart. i think maybe i'm not very creative... is creative something a person can learn how to be? i hope so.

(although i guess i am creative... but it's not really in a way i can show other people...)

1:43pm: i hadn't really thought about how hard this would be.

complaining sucks and is stupid, but i'm too lonely right now to care. the boy i liked, with the blue hair and glasses, he moved away and anyway, he doesn't like me -- he did once but then everything fell apart and i was gone for years and now i think he'd rather pretend i didn't exist. and the boy i used to live with is my ex-boyfriend now (which is funny in a way because i never thought of him as a boyfriend really, but anyway) and i'm never going to see him except occasionally at parties. and the guy who used to tell me jokes and lean against me and help me think of new ideas has married someone who hates me and everyone else in this body and so i'll never get to sit with him on a couch under a blanket again.

i know there are new people to meet and new places to go. i know i'll make new friends, and it might even be better than it used to be, because i won't have to pretend to be 20something when i'm really a teenager, and won't have to answer to names that aren't mine. but oh i'm so lonely.

1:37pm: i guess i'm weak...
i have a headache today, which hardly seems fair, since nobody else has a headache! just me.

i'm looking around livejournal for communities, just a little, because how else am i going to meet people? it's very weird, this rating community thing. i think even if i joined one of the ones that's just for personality i'd be too nervous all the time to ever post anything.

my head still hurts. maybe next week i'll get a chance to come out when it's morning and fresh and beautiful and then i won't feel so bad.

11:25am: where you always go when the wind blows
so here i am, at home, which is not the same place that was home last time. this is an apartment. it's pretty messy but i'm used to that.

i think i missed 3 years? but i'm not really sure.

there are a lot of things here, some of them very interesting. on the floor in the spare room (which i'm told is the library) there's a green origami rose. very neat.

my hair is too long, and i would like to get it cut and then dye it something bright, maybe blue, except i remember the light blue didn't work so well. i wonder if i could mix the yellow and the light blue and get a sea-green?

i wish i could paint a picture with my words of what it is like to be here, so that anyone reading this could reach out and touch all the things i see. dried flowers, a giant stuffed purple dragon (i'm glad he's here, i'd miss him if he'd gone!), irridescent silk ribbons, more dried flowers... lots of candles, too. i'm glad about that.

maybe future entries will make more sense, i don't know. no promises.

11:07am: No, you don't know me.

But maybe you'd like to? I think I might like to know you.